Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Road to the GRAMMYS: 88 Days

Ever since being invited to (and attending) the Grammys last year, the number one question we at BentBeat have been asked is “What was it like?” I can’t think of a more difficult question to answer. There’s about fifty answers to that particular query, and none of them get even close to summing up the experience. But if we were to try, we’d say stuff like:

1.       Great performances.
2.       Amazing production.
3.       Great performances.
4.       Musical history.
5.       Great performances.
6.       Better than we imagined.
7.       Great performances.
8.       No, it’s nothing like on TV.
9.       Great performances.
10.    Can’t wait to go back.
No. This was not our vantage point from last year.
Wait, can’t wait to go back? We’re going back? My (male) counterpart here at BBP tells me, “Hell yeah we’re going back!” Which is all extremely exciting and thrilling and wonderful of course, but it brings up the OTHER side of the experience, the one that THE BOY didn’t really have to deal with:

1.       Beautiful people.
2.       Tight shoes.
3.       Beautiful people.
4.       Sleep-deprived eye luggage.
5.       Beautiful people.
6.       Hiding from the red carpet (and its cameras).
7.       Beautiful people.
8.       Wondering why I didn’t pay a professional to do my hair.
9.       Beautiful people.
10.    Spanx, Spanx, and more Spanx.
Need I say more?
Sooooooo there’s only one way to really answer the question of “what was it like?” and that is to begin at the beginning.  The beginning of the realization that the Mennonite from Middlebury is, in fact, going to have to re-visit and re-plan and re-dress Music’s Biggest Night…and this time I’m going to be forced onto the red carpet with all its permanent flashbulbs and accidental elbow rubbing with some of the most beautiful people in the world… that realization is, three months away from said Big Night, producing a renewed sense of panic that I haven’t felt since I saw my toddler reach for the butcher knife to play “light saber” with the dog. It’s sort of not cool, people.
I don't see where he could have possibly got this from
Did I panic this much last year? No.

Last year I entered the arena with a blissful ignorance that saved me from a few months of self-image self-hatred and self-bashing self-talk that are sure to follow me unless I face the inevitable: This may be “the beginning” but I have to START NOW in order to enjoy the upcoming evening.
I would feel the need to wear a hat & whip to accept this.
So without further ado, here’s what it’s like to “go to the Grammys”…88 days prior to actually “going.”

1.       Joined a gym. A boot camp, actually, because that’s what is required to fit into a dress.
2.       Budgeted a dress. This part was easy, I just cut out food and eating for the next three months.
3.       Began slowly shaving away the outside layer of skin on my foot.  I figure if I keep this up until February I can whittle away a good half inch from each foot and actually fit into some shoes.
4.       Began watching Groupon for deals on Spanx. Because I’ll need two full sets- one to start the evening, one to change into in the bathroom after I’ve split the first pair trying to get out of the limo.
5.       Started looking for a limo.
6.       Downloaded “1989” because it just seems necessary to have some knowledge of this album before the inevitable Taylor Swift headbanging party begins. (Nobody likes a live Googler.)
7.       Got a cold. Hey, this will help my workout efforts.
8.       Traded in all my sweatpants for a spandex body wrap. Don’t know what this is? Look it up. Or don’t. You might have to gouge out your eyes.
9.       Started looking for a babysitter. Because two year olds in tuxes may be cute, but Mommy doesn’t want to have to drag him around all night long.
10.   Began a playlist of all the artists I can’t wait to see in person. Where else can I do this? I may not breathe the entire night, but only half of that breathlessness will be because of my too-tight dress. The other half will be in awe of the amazing talent and performances I’m surrounded by.
We hope Taylor's doctor has cleared her from her neck injury.
There you go- 88 days away and this Mennonite is getting READY.  Check back later for my progress.  And help us make #amishatthegrammys this season’s most trending topic. Annnnnnnd GO!

The BentBeat Team
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