Thursday, December 4, 2014

66 Days to the GRAMMYs: How’s it going?

I know everyone is DYYYYYYYing for an update.  Right?  I know, you’ve been on the edge of your seat this whole time.  Does the dress fit?  How's the hair?  Are we ready to go? How is the Hobbit’s Grammy Prep Progressing? 

Well, it’s interesting.  First of all, Hobbit Grammy Prep Progression sounds like a Safeway holiday special on aisle 5, which is coincidentally the aisle where all the Holiday Double Stuffed Oreos are hanging out. 

How do I know this? Because I am Holiday Double Stuffed myself right now. Yeah, since the last entry I celebrated Thanksgiving (as in Turkey Day, as in Stuff with Turkey Day, as in I’m Such a Turkey For Stuffing Myself with Turkey and Stuffing Day) and also an early Christmas since our extended family is visiting from out of town.  (So that was Stuff Myself With Chili and Christmas Candy Day.) So yep, Holiday Double Stuffed Hobbit is ready for the red carpet. Almost.
Never tell me the odds.
Let’s check in on my last entry, which I ended with a list of things I was doing to “start” getting ready for the Grammys.  The list was:

1.    “Joined a gym.”  Yep, did that.  Still attending faithfully- boot camp three times a week in hopes of fitting into a dress that is (slightly) sexier than Adele 2013. 
Love the shoes. Mad respect.
I’m not sure how well Boot Camp is working.  I’m also not sure about the efficacy of said Boot Camp- there was a moment this morning where I was in the middle of an exercise called “Spread Eagle Double Crunch” and I did the unthinkable- I took a peek around the room.  With all the ladies laying on their backs and their legs up in the air, it really looked like an entire birthing class had lost its balance and gone turtle up onto their backs. Then I realized I was a turtle myself, and I began to doubt the effectiveness of my workouts. We’ll update on that next time, I guess.

2.    “Budgeted a dress.” This was going to be the easiest of my tasks, as I was just going to cut food and eating out of my budget and save the cash for the frock.  Two holiday dinners ruined that plan- I’m currently working on renting out my kid for “cute weekends” to see if he can bring in any extra cash.
3.    “Began slowly shaving away the outside layer of skin on my foot.” This was, as you recall, to fit into a nice pair of shoes.  So far all I have is a brand new Kermit the Frog bandaid and a bad case of razor burn.

4.    “Began watching Groupon for deals on Spanx.” As you recall, I was aiming for a getting-dressed pair and a backup-for-after-I-ripped-it-getting-out-of-the-limo pair. While shopping on Groupon I found a very legitimate looking muscle-zapper-massager-thingie that promises to electro-shock my pockets of flab away. I bought that instead of the Spanx- asked the hubby for some extra thick Lycra in my Christmas stocking this year. After all, I haven’t left the house without Lycra on these thighs since I was fourteen. 
"You were raised right."
5.    “Started looking for a limo.” Nah, I’ll make the boy do this one instead.

6.    “ Downloaded “1989” because it just seems necessary to have some knowledge of this album before the inevitable Taylor Swift headbanging party begins.” Then I listened to it for a few minutes before the closeup of TS and her gams caught my eye. Between “Shake It Off” and my jealousy of her stupid perfect 20-something legs, it was all I could do not to punch her picture in the face…so 1989 was removed from my playlist.  Sorry, Taylor.
Suddenly, I feel better.
7.    “Got a cold.” Done with that. Achoo. 

8.    “Traded in all my sweatpants for a spandex body wrap.” Looks like two pigs…fighting under a blanket.
9.    “Started looking for a babysitter.” I’m hoping one of those rent-a-toddler weekends turns out to be a lasting relationship for this one- after all, if he can make a little money while I’m out spending it, that wouldn’t be so bad of a thing.

10.  “Began a playlist of all the artists I can’t wait to see in person.” Yeah, Taylor wasn't on this list. Who was? I have no time to elaborate- I have to go for a run.

After reassessing my efforts thus far, I admit I was pretty depressed about the whole thing. There’s no way this wasn't going to end in just an embarrassing self-esteem crushing weekend for me. All that worrying even gave me a new zit, because since I’ve got chubby thighs and frizzy hair (oh yeah, the haircut was a disaster) I need adult acne to help build me up, right? Oh, the humanity! But just as I was about to give up hope, my esteemed partner texted me a photo of the official Grammy invitation. And you know what that means: 
They like us! They really like us!
Because here we are, another year, and we’re IN! So I know one thing for sure- BentBeat’s efforts within the music industry are not getting ignored. That means that I can redouble my efforts on the home front so as not to embarrass ourselves by my Hobbity little presence on the red carpet. 

And if I can’t squeeze into the Spanx, I can always hide behind the Elf.
"Back off my little friend."

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