Well, it’s interesting. First of all, Hobbit Grammy Prep Progression sounds like a Safeway holiday special on aisle 5, which is coincidentally the aisle where all the Holiday Double Stuffed Oreos are hanging out.
How do I know this? Because I am Holiday Double Stuffed myself right now. Yeah, since the last entry I celebrated Thanksgiving (as in Turkey Day, as in Stuff with Turkey Day, as in I’m Such a Turkey For Stuffing Myself with Turkey and Stuffing Day) and also an early Christmas since our extended family is visiting from out of town. (So that was Stuff Myself With Chili and Christmas Candy Day.) So yep, Holiday Double Stuffed Hobbit is ready for the red carpet. Almost.
|Never tell me the odds.|
1. “Joined a gym.” Yep, did that. Still attending faithfully- boot camp three times a week in hopes of fitting into a dress that is (slightly) sexier than Adele 2013.
|Love the shoes. Mad respect.|
2. “Budgeted a dress.” This was going to be the easiest of my tasks, as I was just going to cut food and eating out of my budget and save the cash for the frock. Two holiday dinners ruined that plan- I’m currently working on renting out my kid for “cute weekends” to see if he can bring in any extra cash.
4. “Began watching Groupon for deals on Spanx.” As you recall, I was aiming for a getting-dressed pair and a backup-for-after-I-ripped-it-getting-out-of-the-limo pair. While shopping on Groupon I found a very legitimate looking muscle-zapper-massager-thingie that promises to electro-shock my pockets of flab away. I bought that instead of the Spanx- asked the hubby for some extra thick Lycra in my Christmas stocking this year. After all, I haven’t left the house without Lycra on these thighs since I was fourteen.
|"You were raised right."|
6. “ Downloaded “1989” because it just seems necessary to have some knowledge of this album before the inevitable Taylor Swift headbanging party begins.” Then I listened to it for a few minutes before the closeup of TS and her gams caught my eye. Between “Shake It Off” and my jealousy of her stupid perfect 20-something legs, it was all I could do not to punch her picture in the face…so 1989 was removed from my playlist. Sorry, Taylor.
|Suddenly, I feel better.|
8. “Traded in all my sweatpants for a spandex body wrap.” Looks like two pigs…fighting under a blanket.
10. “Began a playlist of all the artists I can’t wait to see in person.” Yeah, Taylor wasn't on this list. Who was? I have no time to elaborate- I have to go for a run.
After reassessing my efforts thus far, I admit I was pretty depressed about the whole thing. There’s no way this wasn't going to end in just an embarrassing self-esteem crushing weekend for me. All that worrying even gave me a new zit, because since I’ve got chubby thighs and frizzy hair (oh yeah, the haircut was a disaster) I need adult acne to help build me up, right? Oh, the humanity! But just as I was about to give up hope, my esteemed partner texted me a photo of the official Grammy invitation. And you know what that means:
|They like us! They really like us!|
And if I can’t squeeze into the Spanx, I can always hide behind the Elf.
|"Back off my little friend."|